Whew! This has been an incredible journey since my last post…a trip to the dark side of my inner moon, and back again. Because I was writing in other formats, this blog took a back seat for almost four months! I continued my daily “I Love You’s” to my own heart, and whenever I experienced any sort of upset, I soul masturbated intensely as per the practice. However, very unexpectedly, LTOYW became ingrained even more deeply than I ever thought it would be, and with a result that still almost amazes me, as I will explain below.
So, picture this: former career classroom teacher now retired investing the last four years of her life intently studying and flowing into her world new teachings based on meditation, spirituality, and a personal mission to make the world a happier place, suddenly realizes she doesn’t need to be ‘working’ so hard. That all of those people ‘out there’ whom she was hoping to reach were being and doing exactly what they were supposed to be doing, whether she showed up in their lives as a teacher or a blogger or a friend or NOT.
And how did I discover this from LTOYW?
Good question! Simple answer: when you love yourself deeply you become aware that you are beautifully and perfectly okay… always have been and always will be! With this you understand that even past and future beings and doings don’t really compute anymore because you are so grounded in the present that what happened and might happen are irrelevant. But wait! you might exclaim—isn’t Love TOY Wisdom supposed to do that? Isn’t that what you expect to have happen by loving your Innocent Inner Child? Aren’t you supposed to realize how perfect life is in all its imperfections? Yes! Yes! and Yes!
A lover is always accused of something. But when he finds his love, whatever was lost in the looking comes back completely changed. Rumi
Indeed, I knew I had changed into a happier, more heart-centred, less triggered human being. That was happening from the time I started putting LTOYW into practice in my life. Evidence was everywhere. But here’s what I wasn’t expecting in the transformation process, even though I know that it happens…. As my inner landscape changed and became more loving and accepting of ME, Cath, my outer world changed–it became a garden of daily excitement and wonder– which I was expecting. But here’s the deal: as my outer world changed in response to LoveTOY-ing myself, I then metamorphosed even more as I witnessed the changes ‘out there’. My world was reflected back to me like the sun seeing the moon and I had this instant visual and visceral realization that the sun never sees the dark side of the moon! It was an awesome catalytic catharsis. I was suddenly reminded of that beautiful Hafiz poem:
“Even After All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,
“You owe me.”
Look What happens With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.”
This awareness placed me, no, it truly inspired me, into ‘telescope’ mode, as I remained within my inner observatory for weeks. I wrote and wrote and wrote in my journals…by hand…reams and reams of words. It was awesome! Then when I got nudged to begin posting again, that’s when I discovered that Love TOY Wisdom had morphed again from being a conscious, daily practice to being a way of being that just flowed so naturally in my awareness that I realized that I truly VALUED myself…as in gave validation to myself, totally trusted my inner guidance system….and equally adored the innocence of every other person in my world, friend or stranger alike, and so much so that I didn’t feel the need to spread my ideas out to anybody, not here on my blog nor even in the teaching format as a meditation teacher and angel tarot card reader. No New York, New York spreading the news, no commentary, no bon mots of wisdom, nothing!
Surprise! Indeed WTF? !
Here’s what happened after months of LoveTOY-ing myself that I was not expecting: I became CONFIDENT! Yes, that’s right, I am confident.
Well, so? you might ask. Confident about what?
About everything! For the first time in my entire life I know without a doubt, in that deep, deep inner knowing way, that EVERYTHING is going along exactly as it is supposed to no matter what the world ‘out there’ seems to be showing up as. EVERYTHING! And EVERYONE! The sun can only see the bright side of the moon because from the sun’s point of view, there is only a shine to behold. The world can only reflect back your own light, and you are light, so if you believe you are seeing anything that’s not perfectly you…your own light…then you are being deluded. It just can be no other way! That’s confidence!
It can be no other way!
Extending this to my ‘work’ means nobody requires me to tell them anything because it is experience that leads to awareness and I could write the most profound texts or epic poetry ever, which people could read and cherish even as I do cherish the work of so many authors and poets, and it would do nothing for them that they hadn’t already, deep down inside that inner space we call the soul, decided to do for themselves.
This awareness, by the way, was way more intense than letting go of attachment to the outcome. I am not saying, “Well, beloved student, I gave you the teachings and the wisdom and now it’s not my issue what you do with them.” I already had that mindset long ago. This new confidence was allowing total non-attachment, as in: “Know yourself. Be yourself. All is well. All is ultimately the way it is and that is the way it is supposed to be.” Or, as my beloved Dad would say: “It all comes out in the wash, Cath!”
And if that’s true, and with confidence I say it is, then there is nothing more required of me than to just be love and light in every moment. This means just to be the one who listens, the one who comments with kindness, the one who gives her undivided attention in every moment to the one in front of her as if it were her own innocent inner child, because it is. Every other being is simply a precious moon just for me. And if that’s not miraculous, then nothing is!
Shine on, Beloveds! Shine on!